The Good And The Bad.. The Right And The Wrong..

It's been 12 days since I last posted here, and I don't know why I've left it so long again. When I first begun 'My Love Affair With The Devil',  I was convinced that I would have something to write about each and every day. Clearly, I don't.

I seem to write best when I'm inspired, which only leads me to believe that I do not create enough inspirational opportunities for myself. (Note to self - Good idea for a New Years resolution!)

So, what was I inspired by that has led me to write a post this evening? A couple of things actually..

I seem to have spent most of today feeling negative. I'm so quick to notice something that I don't like or don't agree with, almost too quickly that I forget to appreciate the things around me that I do like and should enjoy.

Secondly, I read a recent post by someone I know and was truly inspired by what they wrote and how good can easily switch to bad, right can quickly turn to wrong; Often without us knowing.

As my previous posts have illustrated, the last couple of months have been a bit of a roller coaster journey for me, and I definitely wouldn't choose to experience them again. I've also been saddened to learn that those who I have believed to be my true friends for a number of years can rapidly become strangers for no reason what so ever.

If I think about it all too much, I become genuinely upset. Letting go of someone you care for is tough, and in the last quarter of 2011 I have done that to someone I love and I seem to be having to do it to a couple of friends.

Are such decisions right or wrong? Aren't we supposed to fight for what we want and do all that we can to hold onto people and objects which make us happy. Surely if you care about something you're supposed to hold on tight to it with two hands, not let it walk away from you. 

A fantastic theory and somewhat compelling, but a lot easier said than done. 

My life seems to have gotten into a habit of constantly throwing obstacles at me to deal with and get past. I'm aware that I have dealt with various issues in the past and gotten through them in time, but perhaps I didn't notice them as much because they came less often, rather than all at once.

I'm proud of myself for maintaining a fighting spirit with regards to one or two obstacles, but I've almost begun to think that if something is meant to me you needn't fight so hard for it and should instead let fate work its magic.

Fate;

Noun: The development of events outside a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power.

Unfortunately I don't really believe in the whole 'supernatural' malarkey, so my belief of 'if it's meant to be it will work itself out' isn't looking too great right now. Talk about contradicting myself!

It would be great if I could have a sneaky peek into a crystal ball right now. I don't want to see my entire life's journey, but I would really appreciate being able to see a few months down the line so that I could know which choices to make right now. Is what I'm selecting to do each day good or bad? Right or wrong? 

My decisions in life haven't always been great, but they have made me the person I am now and I'm not doing too badly as I type. However.. I seem to be facing some life changing decisions at the moment and I am truly scared that I'm going to get them wrong which will results in being on a path in life that I really don't want to be on.

So, my conclusion to all this rabbling? Gosh, I have no idea.

Time to go and ponder...

Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012..

I wanted to have this post written by December 1st; the beginning of the last month of 2011. But a day late will have to do! 

So, it's almost the end of 2011 and we'll soon be celebrating the beginning of 2012. Where has the last year gone? Seriously, time has absolutely flown by. 

For me personally, there have been a multitude of highs and lows this year. I won't discuss the lows as it's first thing in the morning and I'd prefer to start the day feeling positive! 

Highlights of 2011 include my 21st birthday, graduating from University with a 2.1, being allocated tickets to the 2012 Olympics and planning to go traveling in exactly two months time! I could go on to list even more, but those four really stand out for me. Two of which  I've celebrated this year and the other two I am looking forward to as the New Year creeps up.

A part of me is sad to know that 2011 is almost over, but every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end, and I have a sneaky feeling that 2012 is going to be a fantastic new beginning for me. I also think that there are one or two things I need to leave behind and move on from, and the New Year is a perfect time to start afresh.

I'm so excited to make new memories, meet new people, explore new places and obtain new experiences. I'm also keen to see how I develop as an individual over the next year and see where my path in life takes me. 

So, what are my New Year's resolutions?!

Well besides the ones that I make each year and never manage to stick to (exercise more, eat healthier and save money), I've decided to take some of the lessons that I've learnt over the past year and use them to make the most of 2012.

As I celebrate the start of another year, I will be thinking about the importance of life and how we need to make the most of each day whilst treasuring the people we love and care about. I don't want to look back on my life and feel as if I've wasted it or that I've spent periods of time as if I were stuck on pause.

Enjoy the rest of 2011 everybody and here's to 2012.. I think it's going to be my favourite year yet. 

Something To Look Forward To..

This picture right here is one of the locations that I'll be visiting when I leave for my travels in less than 11 weeks.. Excited? Oh yes!

I've titled this blog 'Something To Look Forward To' because the adventure that awaits my friend & I in the New Year really is something for us to look forward to. 

As I've explained in previous posts, my life feels as if it has been a bit of a roller coaster ride over the last few months and I've often wondered where I'm going in life and what I'm doing with the time I have.

Currently I am spending most of my time at work in order to earn enough money to pay for my travels. It's resulted in a pretty boring period of time for me, but I know that it will be worth it and that I have 3 months off to look forward to so I can't really complain! 

With regards to a certain relationship (or should I say lack of), I'm just trying to take each day as it comes and not expect myself to get over it instantly.

It may have been because of my age or the fact that I've never really devoted myself entirely, but previous relationships have never really had much of an impact on me upon reaching their shelf life. This one has been completely different though, and I don't know why they call it 'heart' ache because my whole body has hurt over the last couple of months.

But slowly I'm getting there and I know that I will be alright. It feels so good to be able to type that and know that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Regardless of the fact that the light is only very faint at the moment, I am confident that I will reach it in good time. 

I went through a phase where I struggled to feel happy. I've written before about how happiness is an emotion and not a destination, and although I wasn't attempting to reach a destination, I was seriously struggling to find any emotion that felt at all like happiness. This scared me so much that I it seemed to restart my emotions because one day I woke up and knew that feeling unhappy was going to get me nowhere in life and suddenly my happy emotion came back to me.

Of course there are still times when I am not happy, I think I would be alien like if I was content all of the time. But it's nice to know that my happiness is never too far away from me.

So, with something to look forward to in a matter of weeks (76 days to be precise), I'm feeling optimistic about how things are beginning to pan out for me.

I've learnt over the last three or four months that we can't control fate or destiny, and that sometimes things just happen because they happen. It's widely believed that everything happens for a reason, and I truly believe this. We may never know what the reason is, but there is always an explanation for why something has turned out the way it has.

Reading back over the posts I have written since beginning this blog, I am proud of myself for how my outlook on life has changed and how I have developed as a person, even in such a short period of time.

Each day needs to be something that we look forward to and make the most of. I can't say that I'm excited to get up early for work in the morning, or the morning after that, but by making the most of the next couple of months, I will in turn reap the benefits by enjoying three months in Asia and Australia.

And that really is something that I am looking forward to.

Me, Myself And I

Once again, I seem to have taken an absence from my blog. My head is currently filled with so many thoughts and emotions that it has been almost impossible to put them to one side and focus on a post.

So instead of attempting to banish everything from my mind so that I can write clearly, I've decided to use my thoughts and channel them into this post.

I've used the title 'Me, Myself And I' because over the last few days I seem to have lost my way a little bit and although I promised myself that I would make a conscious effort to focus on my own happiness, I am definitely not doing this.

Recent circumstances have led to me becoming quite a weak person and too dependant on other people. Although there is nothing wrong with each of us experiencing moments of weakness and the need to rely on other people, neither of these things sit very comfortably with me. I've always been a fairly strong individual and haven't let my emotions get me down or hold me back, so feeling weak and reliant is not something I enjoy.

I think that the image above is wholly accurate in it's statement; We cannot expect others to love us if we do not love ourselves. If we don't appreciate ourselves and care for how we feel, how can we expect other people to appreciate and care for us? Simple answer; We can't.

With regards to one or two aspects of my life, I feel that I know what I want. But with these decisions comes many a consqueunce.
By wearing my heart on my sleeve, I have put myself in a vulnerable position, despite being wholly aware that I'm more likely to get hurt rather than end up happy.
Why am I doing this? Because I am experiencing severe levels of weakness and am yet to find the strength to put myself first and to love myself.

So, what am I going to do about it?!

Well, I need to get out of this rut because I am a true believer that life is too short to spend time being unhappy or worrying about how things are going to work out.
I need to find the strength that I know I possess, and in turn, prioritise my feelings and not allow others to mess with them and hurt me. 

In order be loved, respected and appreciated, I need to be capable of loving, respecting and appreciating myself first. 

For the next few days, I'm going to attempt to take time out from worrying about other people and instead focus on how I feel about myself, and realise that the most important individuals right now are me, myself and I.

The Curse Of Sleepy

I wonder how many of us can get through the day without feeling tired.

I have a regular sleeping pattern; I always aim to be in bed at a sensible hour and I get up at the same time each morning. But due to the fact that I never sleep through the night without waking up, I tend to begin my mornings counting down the hours until bedtime rather than feeling fresh and eager to cease the day.

Since deciding to go travelling in the New Year, I have become a bit of a slave to work in order to save enough money. For the last month or so, I've worked between 10 and 12 hours most days, and am yet to have a whole day off. I work one job until lunchtime and then have about an hour long break before starting my second job. During that break I almost always resort to having a nap.

A NAP!! I sound like a baby..!!

However, as today is the start of the rest of my life, I am determined to not rely on sleep as much as I previously have. (And as I write this, I really am trying hard to not think about how heavy my eyelids feel!)

Glancing at an old magazine last night, I read an interview with Jamie Oliver something that he said gave me inspiration and has in turn, inspired this post. His statement was along the lines of how he has taught his mind and body to not be affected by tiredness. Thank you Jamie, this is now my plan of action!

Over recent weeks, I have used my tiredness as an excuse to come home from work, chill out and go to bed. Due to this, it seems that I have become a bit of a social recluse.
However much I love my sleep, I can't live life to the full when I'm in the land of nod and I don't want to look back on my life and wish I'd done more with the time that I had.

Now I'm not saying I am going to deny myself the odd little nap once in a while, especially as they are actually meant to be good for you! But I'm going to try my hardest to cease as many opportunities as I can each day. Sleep can wait until I have lived each day to the maximum.

It's The Simple Things In Life..

Reading back over my posts, there seems to be a bit of a pattern  of feelings and emotions hiding behind my words.

I have always been someone who reads in between the lines, and I can often be found guilty for making meaning out of nothing. This is why the way I write is almost code language; If you deconstruct it enough you will find that almost everything I say is a metaphor for how I am feeling at the time of writing.

A friend of mine who clearly knows me too well, took one glance at my posts and knew that I was writing the way I was because of my dislike to my recent single status. They saw instantaneously that my words are a way of helping me cope with and understand my feelings and that I'm using them as an aid for recovery.

I like to think that I have stayed pretty upbeat with what I have written, and am yet to become dramatic and claim that my life is over. But I suppose most people are inspired by their experiences, and this is clearly an experience that has inspired me to write.

So, let me explain why 'It's The Simple Things In Life' is the title for my most recent post.

I've come to realise that I don't want to become someone who asks for a lot in life. I don't mean that I won't ask a lot of myself as I take my journey through life, but I don't want to ask a lot from other people.

Once again, I seem to be writing ever so slightly in code. Sorry - Bad habit. Let me try and say what I'm trying to say without hiding behind what I type.
Basically, I don't want to rely on other people for my own happiness. I'm fully aware that I will never be free of peoples opinions having a slight impact on me, but I don't want to  rely solely on the hope that everyone will be nice to me and about me just so I can feel happy.

And to deconstruct that even further, I don't want to rely on a man for happiness. When was it that women decided that we needed men in order to be happy?!

I know that I can be completely happy by myself but I suppose I have forgotten that as it's been a while since I have been fully on my own.
I think that being alone is something I've never really thought that I would enjoy. And if I'm honest, a part of me hasn't enjoyed it over the last couple of months, but I'm slowly beginning to see that there are positive aspects to it as well.

But still I haven't written about the simple things in life..

All I want is someone who fights for me, who will go out on a limb to make me happy and treats me with respect.

I'm not saying that I'm looking for that right now;  'Me time' is certainly what I need at the moment, but it's simple little things like that which I look for.

But I'm not going to wait for someone with those qualities to come along in order to make me happy; I make my own happiness.

If The Wind Will Not Soar, Take To The Oars..

Since beginning my blog, I have always been quick to write my next post, but over the last few days I've actually been really stumped; or should I say that I've been experiencing 'writers block'?! 
Just a few minutes ago, I read a quote which gave me inspiration and I have used it to title this post; 'If the wind will not soar, take to the oars'. 


I'm guilty of giving something a go once and then giving up pretty quickly if it doesn't go as planned. However I've begun to realise that by giving up so easily, I'm not taking a very proactive approach to life.


I'm currently experiencing something where the wind hasn't blown in my direction, I've used the oars and now I'm looking for something else, anything else, to get what I want. (I'm aware that statement may make me feel spoilt and that I always get my own way; I don't mean for it to sound like that, and trust me, I very rarely get my own way!)
But once again, I've found myself wondering if I should give up. Surely there's only so much can you expect of yourself before you realise that you cannot do any thing else and cannot give any more.


Failure is not something that a typical human enjoys very much, I know that I certainly don't. Yet I think that we often give ourselves a hard time for not achieving what we wanted to, despite the fact that we have given it our all.
It is suggested that failure is not an option, but I think we need to understand that sometimes success isn't an option either, and that's okay. 


But just for the record, I won't be giving up just yet.. Does any one have a spare outboard engine??

The Power Of Music.

Music is undeniably powerful.

There are songs that you could listen to every day and not tire of hearing, songs that you can relate to and songs to suit every mood and emotion. But what is it that makes music so intense and powerful?

Is it the artist themselves that attracts you to the music they write and/or sing? Or perhaps it's the lyrics that sound like something you would write yourself if only you could? I'm aware that there are probably a number of other reasons why we each enjoy listening to music, but I want to focus on why music is such a passion of mine.

When I was younger, I learnt to play the piano and I stuck with it until my mid teens. I enjoyed playing it but it was not something that I became passionate about. Personally, I prefer to listen to music rather than make it. I enjoy the sound that instruments can create and I love listening to lyrics and trying to work out and understand what the artist is so desperate to say.

I've always been a fan of using poetry to express my thoughts and opinions, but I've never been inspired to turn my words into songs. However I must be honest and admit that I was in one or two bands during my school years, where we would write our own lyrics and create dance routines to match them. These songs were never worthy of turning us into superstars, but our teachers were always surprised at how myself and my 'band mates' were able to write lyrics that actually meant something.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I was fortunate enough to attend a good school where the importance of writing was drummed into us and we were encourageed to do so in a way so other people would be able to relate to what we wrote.

I suppose that is why I am most drawn to songs containing lyrics are capable of explaining how I feel at that moment in time. A song that can describe exactly how you are feeling at that moment in time is a powerful one.

However, I'm also prone to a song that makes me want to jig! Jig is a strange word I know; To me, it means more than just dance. It's a happy sort of movement that I can only do if the song fits. Currently, my favourite song that makes me jig is Bruno Mars 'Runaway Baby'. I challenge you to not get your jig on to it!

I suppose all I wanted to say in this blog post is how I'm grateful for the people who create music, because without it, life wouldn't be the same.

If we didn't each have a song that we could listen to when feeling sad to instantly lift our mood, a song that gets us excited for a night out with our friends, or a song that helps us through various circumstances.. Well, I don't think the world would be a very happy place.

As they say; 'Music is life'.

What Is Happiness?

Happy

1. Feeling or expressing joy,

2. Causing joy or gladness,

3. Fortunate or lucky,

4. Satisfied or content.

Personally, I often forget that happiness is an emotion. It isn't a goal, a destination or something that we should strive to achieve. Sometimes we have happiness and sometimes we don't, but we can't kid ourselves into thinking that if we choose certain paths in life or execute particular actions that we will reach the destination of happiness. 

As humans, we are capable of feeling an enormity of different emotions, and it is often forgotten that being happy is one of those.

Over the past few months, I have found myself feeling more negative about my life. If you asked me why I had begun to feel sad, lost and lonely, I would probably be able to give you one or two reasons, but there is nothing specific that I can put my finger on and say 'that is what I need to change to be happy'. It's impossible.

I've spent my time believing that if I do things such as change my diet, exercise harder, socialise more and keep myself busy, then I will reach happiness and therefore get back to my positive self.

That right there is exactly where I've been going wrong. I have viewed my own happiness as a goal and pictured myself doing specific things in order to get there as quickly as possible.

So, I decided to make a change.

I don't know what it is that made me alter my attitude towards my own happiness, but I've now realised that sometimes it's okay to be unhappy, even for no reason whatsoever. I've stopped worrying about what I can do to feel content the entire time and have instead begun to embrace all of my emotions, and accepted that happiness often comes and goes.

If you worked out how many times something made you upset in one day, in comparison to how many things made you happy, would you have spent most of that day feeling happy or sad? Until recently, I've focused too much on what makes me unhappy which has affected my ability to be grateful for so many things in life. Now I make a conscious effort to take note of the positive, rather than the negative.

Right now, happiness to me is the excitement of my travels in the New Year, music that touches my soul and the realisation that I can be happy without relying solely on other people.

If you're always searching for your own happiness and worrying about what you need to do to attain it, you'll miss what's right in front of you.

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are...

Time For A Change..

I am sure that everyone is familiar with the phrase 'Be the change you wish to see in the world'. If we all made small changes, then the world would change, and hopefully for the better.

However, by myself, I will not change the world. But my making small changes to the things that I do and aim to achieve, I want to turn my life around for the better.
Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing dramatically wrong with the life that I currently lead. I had a good upbringing, I attended University and graduated with a 2.1 (which I still can't quite wrap my head around), I have a close knit family, my friends are fantastic and overall I'm pretty happy with the way things are.

BUT. Yes, there is a big but.. There's one or two things missing. Due to a recent break up with my boyfriend of two years doubled up with certain family issues, I've been encouraged to take a step back and evaluate what it is that I'm actually doing with my life. What do I want from my time on Earth? What do I want to achieve? What am I doing for me? I don't mean for that to sound selfish, I know it's not all about me. But if I want to get the most out of this life that I'm living, there does have to be an aspect of doing things for myself and doing them because I want to.

So.. I'm off to Asia and Australia in the New Year for 3 months.

Quite a drastic one to start with, but traveling has always been something that I've wanted to do, yet I've always come up with a reason to put it on hold. Now that I'm single and free to do what I want without compromise, I am finally doing it.
Being single is still something that I'm adjusting to, but if one of the perks of going solo is that I get to see and experience new places on the other side of the world, well.. I'm all for it to be perfectly honest.

So that's one of the changes that I'm making in my life. I'm doing something that I have been so keen to do since I can remember. I'm leaving the country for 3 months and exploring parts of the world that I've only dreamed of visiting. I'll be going with one of my best friends, and I'm so excited that we're going to spend 12 weeks of our lives together, traveling and exploring the other side of the world. So far, our planning is going well. We have ensured that our travel insurance covers all eventualities, including getting eaten by an alligator, and we have been assured that at no time will we will be traveling on a plane that is 'so small that it has those propeller things on the front'.
I'll be sad to leave my parents and pooch behind, but I have a feeling that once I'm out there, I won't want to come back! My Dad is even considering signing up to 'facetube' as he calls it, so that he can track my travels and see my photos. Maybe we'll just stick to email and phone calls as I'm obviously behind on this social network business and am not yet a member of facetube!

Although this isn't a common change, such as changing my shampoo brand or going on a detox (it's been 3 weeks since I've had chocolate and alcohol..), I think this will be what they call a 'life changing experience'.

Apparently it's the little things you do that make all the difference, but I think the big things are pretty effective too.

Bruno Mars!!

I thought I would start with my favourite LOVE first.. The incredible and absolutely gorgeous Bruno Mars.

My love affair began with this man upon hearing for the first time, his song 'Just The Way You Are'. I challenge you to find a girl who can listen to this song and not feel a tug on her heart.

On the Sunday just gone, myself and three friends ventured to Brixton to see him perform an intimate concert. Brixton, for a mulitude of reasons, is not my favourite place in the UK (mainly because of the fact that it is Brixton!) but for Bruno I would probably do anything. However, I could not have predicted the impact that he would have on me. My love affair with this beautiful Hawaiian born man has been taken to another level.

There is something surreal about being in a room filled with people who are all there to see the same person perform, who sing along word for word to their music and scream like teenagers when a hip thrust is executed. And for Bruno Mars, I'm sure I can speak for every individual in attendance and say that we would have stayed all night, singing and screaming.

I've been to many a concert and live performance in my life, but none match up to this. They don't even come close.

He oozed confidence and energy, he appreciated the audience, he looked like he was having the time of his life and I can't even describe how amazing his voice is when you are just a few metres from the stage. Oh, and did I mention the hip thrusts?? Those, alongside his dance moves were enough to get my body reacting in all the right places!

So, my love affair has gone from loving the way he sounds and looks, to loving the person he is and the way he comes across. Considering that I am a few years past my teens, I can confirm that this is not just some silly crush.. This is a full on love affair.

'Hey Bruno, I know I want to marry you..' Oh yes indeed.

Love never fails.

So, this is my first post to my blog 'My Love Affair With The Devil'. For years I have debated creating a blog but have never gotten around to it, until today. And I'm very excited to get blogging!

When I start something new in life, I tend to get slightly obsessive over it and put everything I can into it.. So I can picture myself already, blogging away like a crazy lady!

Choosing my blog name seemed daunting, as I wanted it to reflect me and what I am about whilst being interesting to the reader at the same time..

Each and every one of us have love affairs. I don't mean in the sense that we have affairs whilst in relationships, that is definitely not what I am about. I simply mean that we all have desires, we all fall in love and we all feel the power of these so called affairs.
It can be with another person, music, a place, an animal or object; anything. And in my opinion, 'love never fails' and love will always conquer.

'My Love Affair With The Devil' comes from my experiences of loving all of the above at different times in my life and for different reasons. This blog will document my loves, my thoughts and my opinions. Hopefully it will not focus too much on my hates and dislikes, as no one ever got anywhere with negativity.

Here's to lots of blogging.. And I hope everyone has their own love affair or two, they are too good to miss out on!